i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Im part way to drunk.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
