Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
