just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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