I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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