if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
