You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
