Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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