someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
