Small penises have feelings too.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
