nut hugger
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
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