So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
