Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
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You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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