one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
