The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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