Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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