I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have aggressive nipples.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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