whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
