Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
