god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
