I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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