come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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