I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
