Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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