so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
