someone threw a dead crab at me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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