I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
