I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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