i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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