I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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