My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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