The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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