While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
