The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
