drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
a search helicopter?!
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
