Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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