Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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