Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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