He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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