I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want a musical about memes.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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