I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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