In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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