Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
