Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
