how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
