My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
