Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
