she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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