My cat gives me a boner
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
