He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
