babies were throwing up all over the place
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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