So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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