I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
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who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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