Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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