I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
