apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
