Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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